Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
