The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize