If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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