Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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