It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
