you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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