I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize