Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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