so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
