i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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