ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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