that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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