Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
