I am spending my child support on dildos
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Randomize
