We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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