The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
