my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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