he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Two words: blizzard sex
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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