Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My penis needs a shock collar
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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