please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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