Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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