the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
