Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize