yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
