remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
