Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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