u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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