I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
