she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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