I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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