Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
worst night to have a conscience
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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