then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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