If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
