did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
