then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
