I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
