the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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