I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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