Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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