Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize