A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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