evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
