Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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