I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
