I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize