Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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