Who wears a wallet chain?!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize