All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
