do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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