Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
