addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
