True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
