I'm gonna have a badass scar
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
