I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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