I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
