I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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