I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize