For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
