Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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