My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize